Paul Lambert was today discovered alive and well, upon which he was immediately appointed as the new manager of Stoke City.

Fears for the Scottish Bundesliga expert had grown after he failed to appear in a succession of Premier League relegation battles.

But Football Burp can confirm that Lambert was this morning found in a ditch by the side of a road somewhere near Wolverhampton, the scene of his last job.

With Mark Hughes recently sacked and Martin O’Neill issuing a very public “f*** no”, Lambert was immediately driven to Stoke and appointed Potters boss.

Stoke chairman Peter Coates said: “We’re delighted to announce that our new manager is Paul…what’s his name again? Lambert?

“That’s right, Lambert. Anyway, as by far the most alive creature in that ditch on that day, Paul was clearly the outstanding candidate.

“I have every confidence that he’ll bring success to…what’s our name again? Stoke City?

“Can you tell my heart’s not really in this any more? You’ll tell me if it’s obvious, right?”