Pardew pleads guilty to being “blackbelt-level twonk”

Newcastle boss declines to refute accusations of being "a complete and utter pelvis".

Alan Pardew's head on a stick
This Hull fan wants Pardew’s head on a stick (Image: djwudi)

Alan Pardew has pleaded guilty to charges of being “a buffoon” and “a total lemon” relating to his headbutt on Hull City’s David Meyler last weekend.

The Newcastle United manager, not without previous, told a court hearing held yesterday that he’d reviewed video footage of the incident and could not reasonably refute accusations of “pillockdom”.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp in the canteen afterwards, Pardew remained adamant that he is in fact “a blackbelt-level twonk” and even “well-versed in being a complete and utter pelvis”.

He said: “It’s not the first time I’ve had these kinds of charges brought against me.

“You’re damn right it’s the first time I’ve admitted it, though – bad bell, me.

“I went to Liverpool a while ago and someone called me a ‘total meff’.

“On reflection, I think they might have had a point.”

When asked how the side would cope in his absence, Pardew remained philosophical.

He said: “Spectacularly well, I should imagine.

“They’re a talented bunch – Alan Carr’s old man saw to that – but the French players keep on pronouncing my name as ‘perdu’ and sniggering behind my back.

“I’ve looked up ‘perdu’ so I know what it means now, and I find it very disrespectful.”

He added: “First thing Monday morning, I’m going to punch Debuchy in the back of the head.”

Joe Kinnear was sadly unavailable for comment.

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