He’s the Roy Hodgson penalties psychiatrist that everyone’s talking about, and he’s sensationally walked out on the England squad midway through his first day on the job.
The penalties psychiatrist, esteemed, is called Dr Steve Peters and he helped the Team GB cycling team to gold medals at the Olympics and that.
However, Football Burp understands that he has already quit amid claims that he “feared for my [his] life” after instructing the England squad to “show me [him] what you’ve got”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Dr Peters described scenes of spectacular carnage reminiscent of the Final Destination series of films.
He said: “It was really frightening – first of all, Danny Welbeck skied one so badly that it smashed into a traffic light eighty miles away and caused a 25-car pile-up.
“Andros Townsend came a bit closer, but his penalty still flew wide by a good fifty yards or so I’d wager.
“It smashed into a statue, cracking the perimeter of its neck and leaving the head wobbling ominously over a tragically oblivious shih tzu standing idly by its side.
“We could all see it coming from a mile off, but unfortunately nobody opted to intervene rather than film it on their smartphone.”
The Hodgson penalties psychiatrist continued: “Kyle Walker injured himself taking his, then Steven Caulker took a bird straight out of the sky, I s**t you not.”
He added: “I think I now understand why England don’t practise penalties.”