NASA called in to calculate Spurs’ chances of keeping Gareth Bale

Gareth Bale and John Scales
Bale poses alongside former Spurs centre-half John Scales

Eminent bookmakers William Hill, Paddy Power and Ladbrokes have clubbed together to rope NASA into calculating the chances of Tottenham Hotspur keeping hold of Gareth Bale this summer.

The American aeronautics and space administration agency, 54, had previously declined an offer to work out Everton’s chances of keeping Marouane Fellaini but are believed to have been swayed by the bookies’ insistence that Bale is in fact an ape who stowed away on one of their missions and came back superintelligent.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, William Hill CEO Ralph Topping revealed that NASA were also keen to harness Bale’s long-range shooting prowess to intercept and deflect incoming meteorites.

He said: “We all saw him wellying that last-minute winner into Jussi Jaaskelainen’s top corner the other night – now, imagine what he could do to fragments of flying space rock hurtling towards Earth like apocalyptic frisbees of doom.

“The resulting collision would be spectacular to witness and might very well end up saving us all. You can’t put a price on something like that.

“Okay, maybe £50m.”

A spokesperson for NASA confirmed their interest in calculating the odds of Bale still being at Spurs next season, but they declined to comment on rumours that Harry Redknapp was interested in becoming the next manager of Venus.