Moyes to McClaren: Aw, diddums

Moyes...will be Moyes (Image credit: Dan Farrimond)

Everton manager David Moyes has reacted sarcastically to news that his Nottingham Forest counterpart Steve McClaren is considering leaving the City Ground due to the unavailability of significant transfer funds.

The former England boss was only this summer appointed as successor to Billy Davies, the Scot having been sacked for farting in chairman Nigel Doughty’s car on a hot day while the windows were closed, but it appears he has already lost patience with the famous Midlands club’s failure to provide him with lots of precious money.

Although Forest failed to complete deals for Ashkan Dejagah, Max Gradel and Wayne Routledge, Moyes has described the £1.8 million that McClaren was allowed to spend on Jonathan Greening and Ishmael Miller – not to mention the free transfer acquisitions of Matt Derbyshire, Andy Reid and George Boateng – as “untold luxury”.

The ginger Scottish man said: “My heart bleeds for Steve. It really does.

“I mean, as I stood there watching the bailiffs wheelbarrow Mikel Arteta out of Goodison Park and out of my life, I couldn’t help but think how jolly unlucky Steve was not to get the same kind of bankrolling as Sven’s been getting at Leicester City.

“Perhaps, in a fairer world, Steve would have been in a position to take Jermaine Beckford off us instead. I guess now we may never know just what he could have achieved at Forest if he was given obscene amounts of money to go with a squad that was consistently challenging for promotion under his predecessor.

“Poor Steve.”

He continued: “Poor, poor Steve. I mean, I asked Doris from the club canteen for some sugar in my tea yesterday and she immediately averted her gaze to a man standing next to me holding a clipboard and shaking his head.

“It’s so ghetto here at the moment that Royston Drenthe has already written a hip hop concept album about us. He’s only been here two days but he’s spent most of that time recording a skit in which he and Bilyaletdinov carry out an armed robbery at the Hot ‘N’ Tender on Hardman Street.

“At least Marouane Fellaini’s contract negotiations have been providing some comic relief. I now know how to say ‘not on your f***ing nelly’ in French, and I look forward to using it the next time Louis Saha asks me if he can go on a skiing holiday.”

He added: “Pffffft.”