Moyes Defends Controversial Wi-Fi Plan as Toffees Come Unstuck

Everton manager David Moyes
Moyes... Scottish (Image: Jason Gulledge)

Everton manager David Moyes has defended his controversial decision to use some of his players as walking wi-fi hotspots after his Toffees side were put to the sword by a Steven Gerrard hat-trick.

The Useless Tosspots initiative was trialled at Anfield, Liverpool last night using useless players wearing T-shirts bearing the slogan “Nil Satis Nisi Good Value”, with a suggested price of £3.5m plus any out-of-favour midfielders you might have lying around, especially ones that can play full-back.

Moyes, Scottish, came in for a wave of criticism after his scheme was spotted by some fifty thousand locals, many of whom described it in unerring unison as a “shameful, hideous, patronising, dehumanising 3-0 defeat” – but the Scotsman, Moyes, poured scorn on the opposition by pointing out that they could all go boil their heads.

He, Scottish, said: “Listen, we’ve got a very important FA Cup quarter-final against Sunderland coming up on Saturday, so if I want to fit Victor Anichebe and Denis Stracqualursi up with wi-fi devices so I can spend the evening analysing Sebastian Larsson’s Opta stats, then I’ll bloody well do it.

“I’ve been here for ten years now and I want to give the fans some silverware to crow about – or at the very least another disappointing trip to Wembley – so I had little option but to field a half-fit Phil Jagielka and Jack Rodwell in the hope that their combined connectivity could help me figure out how best to counter Kieran Richardson’s marauding runs from left-back.

“As it happens, I hatched a rather crafty plan to impale Phil Neville, Tony Hibbert and Seamus Coleman together with a metal pole, thereby enabling me to control all three of them like a lengthways table football line, so I’d argue it was a night well spent.

“We’re not going to go down you crying ninnies, so shut your cakeholes and get behind us as we slump to a listless 2-1 defeat in front of the ITV cameras at a stagnant, beer-starved Goodison Park for Saturday’s early kick-off.”

He added: “Obviously, there’s an insane amount of chatter about this, which although certainly villainises us, in many ways is very good for the useless people we’re trying to provide with some badly-needed match fitness.”