Baguette-Wielding Maniac Pulps QPR Duo, Sparks Revolution

Manchester City fan cries
City fan... Sob-erto Mancini?

Football fans are now at liberty to smash the living sh*t out of their idols should they so desire, according to unspoken consensus.

Although players, managers and board members have traditionally been able to go about their business without the threat of having their blocks knocked off by a gaggle of enraged drunkards, this weekend saw one Queens Park Rangers fan engineer a pioneering power shift at Euston station when he beat unfortunate duo Clint Hill and Jamie Mackie into a bloody tuna mix using a particularly stale Upper Crust baguette.

Meanwhile at Molineux, Wolverhampton Wanderers supporters reacted to their side’s 2-0 defeat to Blackburn Rovers by storming the pitch and ripping out clumps of turf with their bare hands until the whole stadium and everyone inside it were petrified by lava from the Earth’s core.

One Manchester City fan sobbed: “I…I can’t believe we’ve…*sniff*…lost to Swansea.

“We might not win the league now. Did you hear me? WE MIGHT NOT WIN THE LEAGUE!

“Never pray more – abandon all remorse! On horror’s head horrors accumulate. Do deeds to make heaven weep, all earth amazed. For nothing canst thou to damnation add greater than that.”

He continued: “I have been so great a lover – filled my days so proudly with the splendour of Manchester City’s praise, the pain, the calm, and the astonishment. Desire illimitable, and silent content, and all dear names men use, to cheat despair. For the perplexed and viewless streams that bear our hearts at random down the dark of life.”

He added: “If I see that Savic, I’m going to twist his nipples until he screams.”