Manchester United playing rubbish and getting rubbish results no longer qualifies as newsworthy, it has been universally acknowledged.

The Red Devils consolidated their mid-table status with a battling 1-1 draw at home to an on-form Southampton side, Adam Lallana’s late goal for the Saints cancelling out United’s slender advantage.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, David Moyes expressed his relief at conceding an equaliser having feared what he took to be a “dangerous” 1-0 lead.

He said: “1-0 leads are dangerous, everyone knows what – and this one was particularly dangerous.

“It had loads of loose wires and blades sticking out of it, and it periodically took time out from drink driving around Old Trafford to make ‘slashy throat’ gestures at me while no one else was looking.

“I had to get Nani and Rooney out of there, they just weren’t safe – and, as our most flammable player, Fellaini inevitably had to make way as well.

“The lads were frightened, so I think it’s farcical that we were only allowed to substitute three of them off.

“That’s definitely those ballbags at the FA trying to screw us over again.”

As a nation awoke to the news that Manchester United being rubbish is no longer news, it came as a surprise to many that the news that Manchester United being rubbish is no longer news is still news.

However, under the new system, any news about the news that Manchester United being rubbish is no longer news will not in itself be considered news.

And Sir Alex Ferguson said…nothing, you idiots – Sir Alex Ferguson’s dead!

He’s locked in our basement.