Manchester City are all hepped up on goofballs and goodness knows what else, according to a shocking new report.

The report, this one, alleges that Pep Guardiola’s side are up to their severely reddened eyes in all sorts of drugtacular activity, including coke buckets and horse bongs.

Although not believed to be of the performance-enhancing variety, City’s stash has already been described in some quarters as “decidedly illegal”.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, an anonymous source explained the mind-boggling scale of Man City’s delinquency.

“Remember the Hacienda, or Shaun Ryder at the height of his ecstasy intake?

“They’re probably all like that.”