They’re the Louis van Gaal transfer targets that have been keeping everyone guessing, and it appears the new Manchester United manager has leaked them to some weirdo on Twitter.
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The transfer targets, suspiciously obvious, include Everton duo Ross Barkley and Séamus Coleman, young Southampton left-back Luke Shaw and aged Arsenal right-back Bacary Sagna.
Twitter user @FartGuy1066 posted yesterday that he had held a one-to-one meeting with van Gaal – well, more like a one-to-two, Patrick Kluivert was there as well – a ludicrous claim which gained shock credence this morning when van Gaal himself confirmed that the meeting had indeed taken place.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, van Gaal revealed that he chose @FartGuy1066 as a “false confidant” in order that he not be second-guessed.
He said: “You will not tell Louis van Gaal transfer targets that he should be pursuing – Louis van Gaal will tell you who he wants to sign and when.
“I’ve got a World Cup to prepare for as Holland manager – I can’t very well be faffing about speaking to agents, thrashing out deals, swooping for so-and-so and whatnot.
“This is why I decided to meet with @FartGuy1066 – I’m a big fan of his irreverent musings on popular culture, so he was the obvious choice of mouthpiece for throwing names like Coleman and Shaw into the mix.
“Now Manchester United fans can spend the next couple of months sharing YouTube highlights reels and posting hypothetical starting XIs on discussion forums – then I can return and sign a load of players they’ve never heard of, just to emphasise how much more knowledgeable I am than them.
“Temporarily satisfied transfer lust – this is my gift to United supporters.”
@FartGuy1066 was unavailable for comment as he was busy tweeting about Miley Cyrus’s latest veruca.