The FA have confirmed that the last few weeks of the outgoing football season were directed by Danny Boyle, suspicion having been aroused by the recent constant barrage of unlikely set pieces.

The season, outgoing as in ending rather than extroverted, got folks a-mutterin’ with such mind-scrambling spectacles as Brentford v Doncaster Rovers, Wigan Athletic winning the FA Cup, Watford v Leicester City and of course the bizarre site of Sir Alex Ferguson sacking himself and gifting the Manchester United job to the next most Scottish person he could think of.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Wayne Rooney expressed his frustration at no one giving two hoots about his latest poxy transfer request, pointing out that he’s really serious this time and that’s a really big deal because he’s England’s number one striker and that.

He said: “How was I to know the FA were so taken with Frankie (sic) Boyle’s Olympics ceremony that they’d get him in to do the last few weeks of the season?

“I mean, how is my transfer request, as earth-shattering as it is, supposed to compete with Troy Deeney scoring in the 158th minute before being taken away in a helicopter while a million nurses breakdance around a fifty foot grim reaper?

“I really do want to go, though. It won’t be feasible for me to work with David Moyes again – I’d been having loads of nightmares where he’s dressed like Groundskeeper Willie and trying to kill me, so it really freaked me out when he got the job.

“To be honest, I’m kind of hoping that Bill Kenwright will give me the Everton job. I think I’m ready for it – I haven’t done any coaching badges but I reckon I’ve learned enough from Sir Alex. Seems the thing to do is to drop your best player by far, just leave him out, even after all those boss goals he’s scored for you.

“Stupid limelight-hogging Dutchman.”

He added: “What? No, not Sir Alex. The Dutchman. Robin van Dutchlad. You know the one.”