Odds on next Everton manager horrify Everton fans, confirms Everton fan

Bill Kenwright
Kenwright… Screwed

The odds on next Everton manager has been met with a mixture of horror and even more horror by Everton supporters, it has been confirmed.

The fans, predominantly Scouse, were stunned when it was suddenly announced around tea time that Moyes was leaving the Goodison Park hot seat for the even hotter seat down the M62 at Manchester United, arguably the hottest seat around as it happens – literally scorching.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, an Evertonian was handed a list of the odds for next Everton manager and read it back to us with an increasing sense of incredulity and dread.

He said: “8/11 – A Spaniard who’s about to get relegated. 12/1 – the less intelligent seeming Neville. Also 12/1 – Vitor Perrerrerrererere…I can’t say that.

“14/1 – a Danish bloke who’s got European football next season where he is and was recently linked with Real Madrid. 16/1 – An intense Northern Irish bloke who almost took Sunderland down. Also 16/1 – a more lighthearted Northern Irish bloke who manages the only half decent team in Scotland.

“20/1 – various Championship managers. 25/1 – a nutter who kept punching people. 30/1 – Jamie Theakston.

“It just goes on like this.”

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Everton chairman Bill Kenwright said that he had now initiated a “24/7” search for the right man, expressing a personal preference for the renowned actor Simon Callow but accepting that others might not back his judgement.

He said: “I’ve always thought Simon was a wonderful actor and the epitome of everything I want this football club to be.

“Unfortunately I’m not sure if our fans our ready to embrace, as it were, a homosexual manager. It’s not that they’re homophobic, it’s just that Simon would probably insist upon dressing up the players rather flamboyantly. We put a jazzy collar on our home kit a few years ago and someone threw a brick at my door.

“As for Callow, I might flash an image of him up on the screens during the match against West Ham this weekend, see how it goes down. Come to think of it, Robert Earl probably knows an A-lister or two who are in between projects.

“I can see it up in lights: Everton 2013-14, starring Matthew Broderick.”

He added: “Wait, which one’s football again?”