Fulham may not be able to register a shot on target, but it’s non-stop action off the pitch – yesterday alone saw Martin Jol sacked and Scott Parker lose his eyesight.
The events, dramatic, kicked off in style when Jol was strapped to the back of a mule, spat on by a succession of disillusioned Cottagers fans and then promptly ridden out of town with a firm smack of the rump.
Proceedings then took a turn for the unexpected when team captain Parker lost his eyesight in a bizarre ‘rolling eyes’ incident.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Parker attributed his newfound blindness to the less-than-ideal conditions in which Fulham are set to take on a relegation battle.
He said: “We’re handing over the reins to a Dutch Brian Kidd, which may or may not work out.
“More certain, however, is that Berbatov, Bent, Taarabt and Ruiz will prove to be as much use in a dogfight as a boxful of anaemic kittens.
“Suffice it to say, this realisation propelled my eyeballs upwards with exasperation, so I turned my thoughts to like-minded teammates in order that my nerves be soothed.
“Then it occurred to me that all the other lads here who put a shift in – Sidwell, Senderos, Rodallega and so on – are rubbish.
“That’s when I started tutting.”
The First World War cannon fodder continued: “At this point my eyes were still rolled into an upwards position, as if to say ‘tch, not this again’.
“After all, I once had to spend a year doing the work of ten men at West Ham United, and I’m not getting any younger.
“I tutted really hard, too hard in retrospect, which sent my eyeballs hurtling up into my brain where they dissolved in the excess acid produced naturally by my distress.
“So now I can’t see anything, which just makes Wednesday evening’s clash with Tottenham Hotspur all the more difficult.
“It’s just one of those things, really. Jol sacked, then this. Funny old game, innit?”
René Meulensteen was unavailable for comment as he was busy applying for the Sheffield Wednesday job.
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