Newcastle United director of comedy Joe Kinnear is believed to be running the rule over his own toothbrush.

The brush, dental, caught Kinnear’s eye with an outstanding performance in dislodging a scrap of duck fat from a tight spot last Thursday.

Kinnear spent this weekend locked in negotiations with his bathroom mirror, all to a backdrop of increasingly desperate appeals for sanity from Mrs Kinnear.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Kinnear’s toothbrush admitted to being “flattered” by Kinnear’s interest but insisted that the matter was out of its hands, or at least would be if it had hands.

It bristled: “Of course it’s nice to be linked with Joe Kinnear, but in the meantime I’ve just got to keep my head down and keep working hard for Joe Kinnear.

“It’s always been my dream to play for Joe Kinnear, having grown up watching his great Wimbledon sides of the 19th Century – Dean Holdsworth was dynamite until he overdid it with the opium and leeches.

“Becoming the second toothbrush to play for Newcastle United after Sammy Ameobi would be a huge honour for me personally and a source of pride for toothbrushes around the world.”

Nah, not really.

We just made all of that up.

Sorry.

See that goal from Begović? Blimey.