Newcastle United have confirmed the appointment of Joe Kinnear as Director of Making a Right Bleedin’ Hash of French Footballers’ Names on a three-year deal.

Kinnear, ‘kin ‘ell, was previously employed by the club as media relations officer/first team manager for the 2008-09 season, which ended with the Magpies sinking to a widely chortled-at relegation under the stewardship of revolutionary Match of the Day pundit Alan Shearer.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Kinnear said he couldn’t turn down the opportunity of returning to St James’s Park in order to make an absolute pig’s ear of pronouncing the names of players hailing from the unitary semi-presidential republic known as France and the colonial empire of its erstwhile rule, not to mention taking up the managerial hot seat once again when Alan Pardew gets sacked sometime around, ooh, let’s say October.

He roared: “Which one of you is Football Burp? Is it you? You’re a ****.

“By which I mean, of course, that I feel a great deal of excitement when I look at the squad that Graham Carr has assembled here: Yohan Cabrank, Pappy Seesaw, Hatter Ben Arfpint, Yo-Anne Goofro.

“Sylvo Marvello, Cheeky Tiatto, Gabby Orangutan, Massexodo Haidaraobriain, Meddly Abbey, Matty Bedouchey, Gael Biggiesmalls, Dan Gosling.”

“And that Romain Amalfi Coast…Romain Amalvitamintablet…Romain Amaloutofideas…gah, whatsisname?”

He added: “You know. The French one.”

Brian Balsawood, a Newcastle fan from Tynemouth, said: “There’s a joke in ‘ere somewhere! Boom boom!

“Seriously though, like, I’m gutted.”