Newcastle United forward Papiss Cissé has announced that he is to drop the letters PPI from his name in protest at his club’s new sponsor Wonga.

The Senegalese, a Gemini, is concerned about the loan sharks’ branding contravening his Muslim beliefs, although Barclays, Budweiser, Capital One, Virgin Money and Alan Pardew are all still fine.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Cissé explained that the fundamental tenets of payment protection insurance left him with no choice but to shed the letters PPI like a snake shedding its old skin, except not like a snake because if anyone’s the snake then surely Wonga would be the snake.

He said: “From now on, you’re talking to Ass Cssé.

“What kind of a guy will Ass Cssé be? I think he’ll be everything Papiss Cissé was, except maybe a little kinder, maybe a little quicker off the mark, maybe even more of an out-and-out striker rather than someone to be shunted out onto the wing the moment some silver-haired manager decides to sign Darren Bent as a belated replacement for Demba Ba.

“Darren barely played last season due to the form of Christian Benteke and Andi Weimann, so in that respect I think he’d represent a bit of a gamble. That is why I have decided to drop any letters from my name that occur in his, specifically the letters A and E.

“As such, I ask that you now address me as Ss Css.”

He continued: “Actually, that sounds a bit like a snake hissing, doesn’t it? Wonga’s like a snake. Let’s get rid of S and C as well, so…ooh ‘eck, what’s happening?”

Cissé then dematerialised and vanished before our very eyes.

Alan Pardew said: “I’ve seen this kind of thing before – quite a few of my players disappeared last season.

“In fact, I only recently found out that I’d spent all season picking a black cat that had some white paint spilled over its back, like that one out of the Pepé Le Pew cartoons. Gutted.

“Naturally, I made one or two romantic overtures. Who wouldn’t?”

He added: “Pepé Le Pew’s French, isn’t he? I wonder if he can operate in a 4-5-1.”