England manager Gareth Southgate has revealed he’s not yet decided upon a captain for the World Cup because it’s not for “bloody ages”.

A visibly irritated Southgate was fielding questions at some press conference or other ahead of this evening’s titanic clash with Slovenia.

He said: “Did you seriously just ask me who my World Cup captain will be?

“And you plan to make a news story out of this? Are you really that hard up for content this week? Deary me.

“Tell you what, I’m going to pick myself as captain. I’ll put my boots on, have a cup of tea, then sub myself on for Harry Kane and miss a decisive penalty for old time’s sake.

“All with a bag on my head, like in the Pizza Hut advert. I’ll cut a mouth hole for the tea. A tea hole.

“There you go – ‘Southgate cuts tea hole’. Stick that on your f***ing website.

“C***s.”