Everyone helping to build infrastructure for the 2022 World Cup in Qatar is still literally a slave, we can confirm.

The workers, downtrodden, remain reassuringly exploited and are expected to survive in just about sufficient numbers to get the job done.

A Qatari spokesperson said: “We’re confident we won’t kill too many slaves.

“If you kill too many slaves, it can be a bad thing. Those stadiums won’t build themselves in squalid and perilous conditions.

“All in all, we think we’re on course to kill just the right amount of slaves to get those stadiums built – so don’t worry everyone, football’s coming!

“Now we just need to figure out a way to block out the sun.”