Hull owner: “Let me turn Jelavic into a lobster or I walk”

"I just think a lizard's tail would lend any player real authority," says Egyptian.

Nikica Jelavic, signed from Everton by Hull City
Jelavic… Boss slotter (Image: Steindy)

Hull City owner Assem Allam says he will walk away from the club if the Premier League forbid him from changing Nikica Jelavic’s name to Blorx the Destructor.

The Egyptian, head mental, is keen to sanction the signing of the Croatian striker but will insist on having him surgically transformed into some kind of lobster creature, to be addressed as per the aforementioned title/rank.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Allam outlined his vision of a crustacean centre-forward wearing a strap-on lizard’s tail, much like the one sported by Johnny Depp in the film version of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

He roared: “I just think a lizard’s tail would lend any player real authority – don’t you agree?

“Obviously Blorx the Destructor’s claws/pincers will strike fear into the hearts of opposition defenders, but it would be nice if he had a big scaly tail to whap them in the face with as he slots a boss one-touch finish.

“If the FA should decide to clamp down on my plans – much like Jelavic will clamp his lobster claws around defenders’ soft necks – then I’ll be out of here quicker than you can say ‘Jelavic death clamp lizard whap’.

“Incidentally, that’s what I want to call the stadium.”

Speaking exclusively to someone else, Blorx the Destructor remained philosophical about his apparent rebranding.

He said: “I desperately want to play at the World Cup with Croatia, and I wasn’t getting first team football at high-flying Everton.

“They’re paying me alright, so sure, I could get used to Blorx the Destructor.

“It’s got a ring to it.”

Hull boss Steve Bruce was unavailable for comment as he was busy banging his head repeatedly against a wall.

OPINION: Jelavic’s Everton career stifled by Hibbert injury