Fifa’s lavish Ballon d’Or ceremony last night was a big waste of everyone’s time and money, it has been confirmed.

The awards do, unnecessary, brought football greats past and present together for an evening’s worth of quite sickening luxury, as if they weren’t enjoying enough of it already.

As hordes of baying fans mobbed the perimeter of the red carpet hoping to be personally slapped in the face by one of their heroes, Fifa president Sepp Blatter told Football Burp how important it was to funnel resources into scenes of impossibly glitzy exclusivity.

He said: “Look at all the players in their beautiful suits with their beautiful wives dining on wines and spices the likes of which ye have never seen.

“I just think it’s nice that we are all gathered here tonight to bask in yet more privilege on behalf of all the migrant workers being slave-driven into early graves in order to build stadiums for a World Cup in a country that doesn’t need it and isn’t at all suited to it.

“It is to be hoped that they get to read about tonight’s ceremony, perhaps see some photos too, so that they can enjoy it vicariously through us.

“Those of them that are left, anyway.”

Cristiano Ronaldo won, as everyone expected. Good for him.

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