Media reports of supposedly imminent transfers involving Cesc Fàbregas, Luis Suárez, Gareth Bale and Wayne Rooney are set to thunder irritatingly on through this weekend and beyond, it has been yawned.

The players, eminent, have each been the subject of varying numbers of increasingly massive bids of late, the rising temperatures provoking Europe’s top clubs into ridiculous posturing and assertions of authority, dominance and – on rare occasions – manhood.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, newly installed Manchester United manager David Moyes admitted that he couldn’t for the life of him remember who he was supposed to be buying and/or selling.

He said: “It’s been so bloody hot of late, all I can think about is coming home from work at the end of the day, putting my feet up in the garden and reading a Brian Clough biography over a nice, cool dandelion and burdock or two.

“How many bids have we made for Fàbregas now? Is it three, four, five? Was it even Fàbregas we were supposed to be bidding for? Maybe it was Modrić.

“Or that big-haired lad at Everton. You know, the one I signed and worked with for years. What was his name? Marrow something. Marianne?

“S***! I forgot about Baines!

“Excuse me, I’ve got to make a phone call.”

Speaking exclusively to a far more reputable website, Jose Mourinho unfurled an impressive display of feathers and squawked loudly.

He said: “Does this impress you, yes? Maybe you are feeling a little aroused, yes?

“How about we go back to my Premier League football club, put on some jazz and make sweet Rooney together, yes?”

He added: “Wait, what am I saying?”

As of yet, there has been no satisfactory conclusion to this article.