The English Football Association have denied Stoke City permission to mount new signing Michael Owen on Oscar Pistorius-style official limbs.
Potters boss Tony Pulis, a Capricorn, was unable to resist making the former England striker this summer’s marquee signing at the Britannia Stadium – and he is currently exploring options with a view to customising him to fit in with his side’s style of play.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Pulis could not hide his disappointment at the FA’s ruling but remained upbeat about his chances of converting Owen into a mayhem-causing target man.
He said: “Obviously we’re all disappointed with the FA’s decision but we’ve been looking at a number of different options.
“The ideal scenario would involve bringing Owen up from 5ft 8in to a height similar to that of our other forwards, while simultaneously ensuring that his legs do not undergo any more wear and tear.
“That’s where The Chipmunks come in – I remember in the old cartoons they’d stand on each others’ shoulders and conceal the ruse with a long overcoat, giving the illusion of adulthood and thus enabling them to get into certain movies, or something.
“At just 6ft Jonathan Walters is also a little lad, so we’re looking at grafting Michael onto his shoulders and bringing them up to a combined 11ft 8in, which is only a wee bit shorter than Peter Crouch, Kenwyne Jones and Cameron Jerome.
“Failing that Michael’s got plenty of horses he could take to the pitch on – we’ve got our lawyers scanning the rules of the game and as of yet none of them have found anything in writing that would forbid this.
“The Flex-Foot Cheetahs would have been ideal though, and I can’t help but think that a top four club would have been allowed to go through with it.”
He added: “I suppose we could just get Rory Delap to throw him around.”