Everton have announced exciting plans to build a new stadium that’s not made entirely out of wood.
The move has been met with elation from supporters of the club, whose arses have been ravaged by years of intensive splintering.
Sales of tweezers are expected to plummet on Merseyside now that the Toffees have agreed a deal with Peel Holdings to purchase land at Bramley Moore dock.
Goodison Park is expected to be wheelbarrowed to a civic amenity site and dumped there for recycling.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a teary-eyed Bill Kenwright hailed the historic move as “a boyhood dream of epic proportions”.
He gushed: “It’s wonderful and fabulous – magnificent, even.
“Obviously we’re all going to miss the old girl, because it’s been the home of so many memories for so many of us.
“Who could forget our landmark twenty consecutive goalless draws under Walter Smith, or that time Crystal Palace came back to beat us from 5-0 down with ten minutes remaining under Roberto Martínez?
“Or the time Tony Hibbert almost had a shot on goal. I’ll never forget that.”