Last night the England women’s team reached levels of tedium previously only plummeted to by the England men’s team, it has been confirmed.

The women’s team, England, lost 1-0 to France in their opening match of a World Cup that threatens to bore and frustrate English supporters to a degree hitherto only inflicted by their male counterparts.

Viewers of yesterday’s match complained of ennui, malaise, world-weariness and in one extreme case an existential crisis, which required the intervention of an experienced philosopher.

In scenes reminiscent of Sunday’s goalless Republic of Ireland v England men’s match, players from both sides had to go around the stadium at full time waking everyone up and telling them what the score was.

The government was urged to issue a serious health warning ahead of Saturday’s clash with Mexico women, but MPs were too busy voting in favour of pay rises to notice.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, England women’s team manager Mark Sampson, a Welshman, and a man, revealed that he had instructed his players to study videos of Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard and co at the last few men’s World Cups.

He said: “With hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have done that.

“It’s not easy, this women’s football lark.”