Eddie Howe achieves transcendence

Will mastermind Cherries' 1st Premier League campaign from cosmos rather than traditional touchline, stand or technical area.

Eddie Howe in energy form

Manager of the decade Eddie Howe achieved transcendence last night while watching his Bournemouth side all but ensure promotion with a 3-0 webbing of Bolton Wanderers.

The Cherries boss, vaunted, shifted into a state of existence above and beyond the limits of material experience just after seeing Matt Ritchie finishing off a move that’s already being described as “worthy of Brazil 1970 from outer space…on acid”.

Howe had already proven to be nigh-on immaculate when he was recently named as the greatest manager of a decade that’s still only halfway through, a novel twist on the popular ‘vote for the team of the year a month before the end of the season’ formula.

And his stock is sure to continue to grow as he masterminds Bournemouth’s maiden Premier League campaign from the cosmos, rather than the traditional vantage point of a touchline, stand or technical area.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Eddie Howe vibrated at incomprehensible speed to produce an achingly exquisite and melodious humming sound that we took to be the music of the spheres, marking humankind’s most intimate contact with divinity since probably Jesus.

He crowed: “Sounds a bit like a Sigur Rós song, doesn’t it?

“I quite like it myself, but some of the lads would prefer to have some kind of ‘donk’ on it.”