David Beckham China Role to take on Francis Jeffers Broomstick Attack in battle of the bands contest

David Beckham
Beckham… Chinese now (Img: Kunal Shah)

The David Beckham China Role have agreed to take on The Francis Jeffers Broomstick Attack in a one-off ‘battle of the bands’-style showdown to determine this week’s hottest new popular beat combo.

Both groups were formed yesterday after news broke respectively of Beckham being made a global ambassador for Chinese football and Jeffers getting bound over for threatening to sweep his father-in-law to the side of the road onto a pile of leaves.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, The David Beckham China Role confirmed that they are currently working on material with a view to rocking The Francis Jeffers Broomstick Attack off the stage at the contest, to be held in some grimy pub or other this Friday.

They roared: “Those guys think they’re so big, so we’re going to take them down a peg or two with our awesome brand of progressive rock characterised by multi-layered vocal harmonies and interminable guitar solos.

“Well, we haven’t actually written any complete songs yet – to be honest, we’re mostly just a name at the moment – but we can reveal working titles such as ‘Mario Balotelli Pastrami Handbag’ and ‘Ian Wright Opticians Appointment’.

“Unfortunately we’ve had to scrap ‘Harry Redknapp Bollywood Sandwich’ because one of the diminished chords in it summoned a demon that exploded our bass amp.

“But we’re satisfied that we’ve got a massive hit single on our hands in the form of ‘Dean Saunders Windmill Autopsy’.”

Meanwhile, Francis Jeffers is attempting to clear his name by claiming that he was in fact merely challenging his father-in-law to a game of Quidditch, and that’s it’s all just been an hilarious misunderstanding.

He said: “Well, I’d be daft to challenge him to a game of football, wouldn’t I?

“I mean, I haven’t scored since about 2003, and that includes training, FIFA, kickabouts in gardens with young relatives and dreams about playing football.

“The other night I dreamed I hit the post, but that’s about it.”