Gaps in Arsenal defence “unexplainable by science”

Albert Einstein
Even this guy couldn’t figure it out

Science is at a loss to explain how the gaps in the Arsenal defence came to be wider than the pitch they were playing on, according to scientists.

The body of knowledge, cumulative, was left stumped by yesterday’s north London derby at White Hart Lane, which was won 2-1 by Gareth Bale Tottenham Hotspur on a pitch measuring approximately seventy yards in breadth – and yet, the average distance between Gunners centre backs Per Mertesacker and Thomas Vermaelen throughout the match registered at an astonishing three hundred and seventy-eight yards.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, some scientist or other claimed that this anomaly has blown the whole perception of space and time wide open in a manner unheard of since that one season a few years ago where Bobby Zamora’s shots kept finding the back of the net.

He said: “Arsene Wenger may be under some professional pressure right now, but I’d say he’s shoe-in for the Nobel Prize as things stand.

“We ran our findings by science and it just kind of sat there dumbfounded, scratching its head and murmuring ‘well I never’ in between quizzical puffs of its pipe.

“In all my years of sciencing, I’ve never seen science looking that thoroughly defeated. We asked Arsenal’s back four to come into Science HQ so we could run some tests, but we were unable to get them all in the lab at the same time.

“And yet they share a dressing room together. Remarkable.”

Wenger was unavailable for comment as he was out looking for a metal pole that he could impale his defenders with in order for Steve Bould to operate them like a table football team.