The Crystal Palace playoffs win that swept the nation has ended in disaster after a giant novelty cheque spontaneously combusted on the pitch at Wembley, causing untold damage to bits of grass and that.
Said novelty cheque, hilarious, was made out for £120m and presented to Eagles manager Ian Holloway after a late penalty from Kevin Phillips, 58, secured his side’s passage through to the big Premier League in the sky, by which we’re inferring that they’ve reached the promised land, even if it does read more like we’re reporting their death.
In what are already being described as “shocking scenes”, the cheque – amusing by dint of its excessive size – burst into flames after someone in the crowd was heard reeling off a list of high-profile potential transfer targets, each one followed by a ballpark estimation of the player-in-question’s wages preempted by the words “you’d probably be looking at around”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Palace defender Peter Ramage explained that the initial sparks were seen upon mention of “players from relegated clubs”, with increasing degrees of ‘on fire’ elicited by further mentions of “experienced internationals” and “convincing Michael Owen to play on for one more season”.
He said: “A few of the lads have singed barnets and/or missing eyebrows but that’s nothing we can’t fix now that we’re absolutely rolling in it.
“You know that Scrooge McDuck, lad? Well, that’s us now, that is – leaping into our pit of treasures and luxuriating in it like some kind of, er, wealthy duck.
“Of course it seems pretty ominous that the giant novelty cheque just burst into flames like that all of a sudden, but the lads dug in, gave 110 per cent, two banks of four, through the mixer early doors, and in the end we hung on for the result.
“There are a few different theories floating around pertaining to spontaneous combustion but I don’t think it’s one of those things that science can explain. It just happens, like offsides, throw-ins and dodgy backpasses. Just one of those things.”
He said: “The giant magnifying glass and matchstick tower on the new Wembley concourse probably didn’t help, like.”