Chelsea have won the Eurovision Song Contest with a late header from Serbian defender Branislav Ivanovic, it has gone done happened.

The song contest, 57, was begrudgingly awarded to the Blues by Michel Platini, who gritted his teeth so firmly that he ruptured several Achilles tendon strings.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Rafael Benitez thanked the Stamford Bridge faithful for “all of their support”, planted a kiss on his Euro gong and thrust it up in the air like a phallic symbol of defiance for his detractors to “go **** themselves with, de lado”.

He said: “‘De lado’? It means ‘sideways’. Sorry, I often slip into my native tongue without even thinking about it.

“Incidentally, you can all slip your native tongues into my **** *** ******** *****ing ****** ******** *** *****.

“****s.”

By this point, Benitez was drunkenly waving his gong around and gently bouncing.

He sobered up and continued: “Having won the Eurovision song contest, I can confirm that Chelsea will begin working on a new album in August, with Jose Mourinho on production duties.

“I can also confirm the following preliminary tracklist: 1. ‘Cech Your Head’, 2. ‘Cole Lotta Love’, 3. ‘It Doesn’t Mata Anymore’, 4. ‘I Found You Among the Moses’, 5. ‘The Fool on Cahill’

“6. ‘Gay Ba’, 7. ‘Fun Time Frank Lampard’, 8. ‘Osgood Vibrations’, 9. ‘Kharine is Creepy’, 10. ‘The 59th Street Stamford Bridge Song (Phelan Groovy)’, 11. ‘Go With the Flo’

“The album is called Staring Up Into the Zola System. It will be released on Uniforssell Records.”

He added: “We’ve got ‘We Wish You a Terry Christmas’ lined up for the festive season.”

Also speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Mourinho explained that the new album is going to be a bit of a special one.

He said: “It’s more of a psych trance sort of direction.”