Coma risk for England v Italy World Cup match “beyond red alert”

Draws v Ecuador and Luxembourg spark flurry of investigations.

England v Italy World Cup match set to have this sort of effect on everyone
Even thinking about the match could result in this sort of scene (Image: Juandev)

It’s the England v Italy World Cup match that’s got everyone snoring with anticipation, and its coma risk has been deemed “way beyond red alert” by a panel of U.N. science types.

The report, damning, has indicated that to so much as glimpse at the contest – which is set to take place in the Amazonian city of Manaus on June 14th – will almost certainly result in the kind of coma that’s already being talked about in scientific circles as “irreversible”.

While the insane humidity of Manaus has attracted most of the ‘dire warning’-flavoured headlines until now, last night’s friendly draws for England and Italy against Ecuador and Luxembourg respectively – yes, sodding Luxembourg, I know right? – sparked a flurry of investigations.

The results, already in, do not make for pleasant reading – according to the aforementioned U.N. science types, merely gazing upon the two sides huffing and puffing about in the heat, all of course to scant effect, will see you lapse into a state of unconsciousness from which you may never return.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, one scientist advised people to “stay the hell away” from anywhere showing the England v Italy World Cup match, even text updates and “stuff like that”.

He said: “Remember England v Algeria and England v Slovenia at the last World Cup?

“That. Or, rather, those. To the power of ten.”