It’s the impending Frank Lampard England retirement that’s got a nation bowing sorrowfully, and it’s making headlines in the event of nothing else happening.

The announcement, apparently newsworthy, has it that the 35-year-old Chelsea midfielder shall retire from international duty after this summer’s World Cup in Brazil.

While news of the Lampard England retirement has come as a shock to precisely no one, sources have confirmed that it shall dominate today’s headlines at the expense of Billy Jones’s move from West Bromwich Albion to Sunderland.

The Jones transfer of course follows hot on the heels of Phil Bardsley’s sensational move to Stoke City, the one that sent shockwaves through the world of football just the other day.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, some football writer or other implored us to read between the lines.

He said: “It’s like when you see a story saying that so-and-so wants to score more goals this season, or Player X hopes for three points against Club Y.

“That is to say there’s a certain subtext that must be acknowledged, one that says ‘nothing else is happening, just swallow this guff and try to remember that it’s no less patronising than the insightless garbage your club probably posts on its official website and Twitter account every single day.

“So, you know, just f*** off, yeah?”