What’s the world coming to when Saido Berahino refuses to celebrate any of his four goals in the FA Cup against Gateshead? Little wonder, then, that he refuses to celebrate his drink-driving charge.

The West Bromwich Albion and England striker, volatile, reportedly put his hands up and remained expressionless when he was arrested by Cheshire Police after being stopped near junction 20 of the southbound M6 in the early hours of October 22nd.

He will appear before North Cheshire magistrates in Runcorn on January 19th and has been penciled in for a ceremonial naked headbutt from newly installed Baggies boss Tony Pulis on January 18th.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Pulis’s predecessor Alan Irvine revealed that Berahino refuses to celebrate his own birthday or indeed any engagement, pregnancy, promotion or other such good news enjoyed by a friend or family member.

He said: “He refuses to eat Celebrations and won’t go anywhere near a dance floor if they’re playing ‘Celebration’ by Kool & the Gang.

“He won’t even watch ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!’ because he misread the word ‘celebrity’ as ‘celebrate’.

“That’s because he’s thick as two short planks, you see – he won’t engage in any cerebral activity because the word ‘cerebral’ also looks like ‘celebrate’.

“Frankly I’m not surprised he’s turned to drink, the miserable little git.”

Victor Anichebe was unavailable for comment.