Madcap Mario Balotelli is to sue his employers Manchester City for loss of earnings relating to their decision to fine him a week’s wages for strapping nuns to jetpacks and firing them at visiting delegates.
The officials, comedically stuffy and uptight, were said to be “deeply upset and concussed” by the Italian striker’s latest whacky antics, while the victimised sisterhood have released a statement claiming to be “devastated and splattered, but mostly splattered”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Sister Julia Silenzi described the moment she realised that Balotelli was binding her habit to an explosive device and nudging her towards a throng of suited gentlemen on the side of the training pitch.
She said: “We’ve all had quite enough of Balotelli’s incessant exploitation of our inherently trusting nature.
“He invited us all to attend training as an apology for last week, when he inserted a…”
“THIS IS MARIO BALOTELLI. I AM CONTROLLING ALL THAT YOU SEE, FROM THE HORIZONTAL TO THE VERTICAL.
“I WILL PAY FOR ALL OF YOUR FLIMSY FOOTBALL SATIRE. REPEAT: ANYONE QUEUING FOR WEAK, ILL-THOUGHT-OUT SPOOF FOOTBALL NEWS STORIES, PUT YOUR WALLETS AWAY – I’M BUYING, IT’S ALL ON ME!”
Roberto Mancini could not be reached for comment as he was busy repeatedly banging his head on a table.
David Platt said: “It’s okay, he’s done this before.
“He’ll come to in about an hour’s time, forget everything that happened and pick Mario in his starting XI again in a few weeks’ time.”
One of the targeted delegates said: “mmmmmmMMMMMMMANCINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!”
“Nun stains never come out.”