The Belgian, free this Christmas, responded to the Stoke City defender’s trademark strangleholds by dousing him in petrol, setting him alight with a match and then letting him burn for a while before stamping on his face and neck with flame retardant boots.
Fellaini then swung the Potters stopper around a few times hammer throw-style and deposited him in the Britannia Stadium’s pitch-side snake pit, which is usually reserved for home fans accused of heresy, witchcraft or failure to beat their chest along to “Delilah”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, the Toffees ace admitted that he wouldn’t have administered such brutality had he known that the whole thing was being filmed.
He said: “I knew they showed goals and stuff like that, but I just assumed they had someone on standby to call out when they thought someone was about to score, like those people who signal to the cameras which area of the board a darts player is about to aim at so they can zoom in on it.
“As such I deeply regret my actions – they were over the top, animalistic and frankly barbaric – but at the moment I must concern myself with how I can convince David Moyes to let me spend Christmas in my native Belgium, and finding out why my English has got so much better since the start of this interview.
“It’s really quite perturbing, is it not?”
Moyes could not be reached for comment as he was busy sellotaping Leon Osman to Steven Pienaar’s shoulders.