£10m+ moves for Andros Townsend and Jonjo Shelvey have been described as “possibly the most Newcastle signings ever” by amused onlookers, it has been confirmed.

The onlookers, amused, have been closely monitoring all Newcastle-related activity ever since a Kevin Keegan meltdown in 1996 sparked an era of hilarity unmatched by any other club in football history.

Magpies boss Steve McClaren has turned to Spurs winger Townsend and Swansea midfielder Shelvey to alleviate his side’s struggles, paying a whacking great premium for the pair on account of their widely satirised status as England internationals.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, the amused onlookers acknowledged that looking on at Newcastle United probably wouldn’t be quite as amusing in the eyes of those who actually support them.

They chorused: “In a way, though, that just makes it even funnier.

“Whenever one of their hapless players gets subjected to chants of ‘you’re not fit to wear the shirt’ from the Toon Army faithful, I can’t help but ponder on how at least half of said faithful don’t seem able to fit into their own shirts.

“It’s not quite Joe Kinner, or for that matter Joe Kinnear II, but I for one can’t wait to see Townsend and Shelvey written off as a ‘misfiring duo’ by some broadsheet hack or other, before they’re both sold to Hull for a combined £5m.

“I bloody love Newcastle.”