The Conservative government has pledged to make every Premier League footballer have a double-barrelled surname by 2025, we can reveal.
Liverpool’s Trent Alexander-Arnold became the latest to make a name – nay, two – for himself as he smashed in a brilliant free kick against Hoffenheim.
His emergence comes hot on the heels of similar breakthroughs from James Ward-Prowse, Ruben Loftus-Cheek, Cameron Borthwick-Jackson, Timothy Fosu-Mensah, Dominic Calvert-Lewin and Kyle Walker-Peters.
Tasked with overseeing the transition is Jacob Rees-Mogg, the MP for North East Somerset whose star has also been in the ascent of late.
He told Football Burp: “It shall be a challenge balancing my activities as Minister for the 18th Century with my new role as Minister for Footballers With Double-Barrelled Surnames, but one I shall relish.
“We’re even manufacturing prototypes for footballers with anything up to eleven names, and where the names are things like Sixtus and Boniface.
“With any luck, England shall bestride the first post-apocalyptic World Cup with a squad full of names that will have commentators crying in their nannies’ bosoms.
“And Wembley will be relocated to the atrium of my fabulous ancestral estate.”