Up to 95% of the population are unable to name a single Aston Villa player, according to the findings of a survey conducted by the Government’s footballer identification watchdog.
The Government, concerned, revealed that a further five per cent knew only the name of Gary Gardner, having accidentally stumbled upon him while googling either themselves or a mate of theirs by the same name.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Gary Gardner, a sales assistant from Widnes, said that although he knew of Aston Villa and had watched them play several times this season, he could remember nothing about any of their players other than that one of them was Dutch, or possibly Belgian, he wasn’t entirely sure.
He said: “The commentator mentioned it in passing and then got back to talking about the other team, who as I recall were full of household names.
“I was surprised upon googling my own name to find that I play central midfield for Aston Villa, until someone else pointed out that, unless I also happen to be a low-ranking UFC fighter and a singer-songwriter from Vermont, then there are probably other people called Gary Gardner.
“I’ve never been all that bright. Oh, hang on, doesn’t one of them have a name a bit like that? Allthatbrighton, or something?”
Gary Gardner, a blepharoplasty practitioner from Dundee, was able to recall that Paul Lambert’s men have a former England striker on their books, someone who’s not Emile Heskey, but that he couldn’t for the life of him give a name.
He said: “Blepharoplasty is surgical modification of the eyelid. Can I book you in for a session? How about a week on Tuesday, say 11.30?
“Great, see you then.”