Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
Gary Neville
The former Manchester United defender tapped into the emotion surrounding Paul Scholes’ unexpected return to action for the Red Devils’ 3-2 FA Cup win at bitter rivals City last Sunday…
Jermaine Pedant says: There may very well have been people crying, Gary, but only because they were seeing a grown man struggling with basic homophones. There/their/they’re is an issue that crops up regularly on these pages, so as our nation’s most respected pundit I suggest you pay attention in future. Remember, I won’t always be there to help you out!
Mark Bright
The former Crystal Palace and Sheffield Wednesday striker weighed into the debate surrounding Vincent Kompany’s controversial sending off during aforementioned Manchester cup tussle…
Jermaine Pedant says: Mark may have a point about referees merely applying the laws enforced upon them, but he’s neglected to pay heed to another all-important set of rules: the rules of correct apostrophe usage. Match officials are often criticised for a perceived lack of consistency, and I’m afraid Mark that I’m going to have to draw attention to the fact that you saw fit to insert an apostrophe into ‘referees’ but not ‘laws’ or ‘cards’. I could have dismissed this as a simple typo, but then I noticed this subsequent Tweet, which you posted after the draw for the 4th round was made…
Now Mark, the English language is burdened with many irregularities, but in this case it’s much simpler than you appear to think. There is no complex rule stipulating that ‘referee’ must be pluralised with an apostrophe while inanimate or immaterial items like ‘card’ and ‘law’ are not; they are all looked upon as one and the same by our Queen’s graceful tongue, so to speak, and plurals should never involve an apostrophe unless you are pluralising a single letter (eg. “dot the i’s and cross the t’s), as this eliminates the possibility of misreading.
Ryan Noble
Young Sunderland hotshot Ryan Noble enjoyed a spot of banter with his fellow Black Cats prospect David Meyler…
Jermaine Pedant says: I’d be careful about bandying the word ‘fact’ around with such authority, young Ryan, when your grammar is so riddled with inaccuracy. I shall choose to ignore the obvious instances of text speak – although ‘wud’ is a particular bugbear of mine, so I shall do so through gritted teeth – but I’m afraid I’m going to have to make an example of you in order to illustrate the importance of using the correct modals when expressing the conditional mood. I could have just told you straight up what your mistake was, but that would have been too easy. See if you can figure it out for yourself.
Shaun Teale
The former Aston Villa defender responded to a fan’s enquiry as to his thoughts on the club’s current centre-back duo Richard Dunne and James Collins…
Jermaine Pedant says: Silly mistakes do indeed abound, Shaun, but it would seem that they are not the preserve of Alex McLeish’s back four. Our old friend there/their/they’re has reared its head again; I shan’t go into detail, but I will tell you that they’re all different in terms of their function, and that you chose the wrong one there. Forgive me if I seem too keen to jump on every little mistake, but we are within the realms of pedantry now, my good man.
George Boateng
The former Coventry City, Aston Villa, Middlesbrough and Hull City midfielder had a special new year’s message for his followers…
Jermaine Pedant says: Did anyone else find that strangely relaxing for some reason? Looks like I’ll have to take more of a hands-on approach with your spelling, George!
Jay Bothroyd
The Queens Park Rangers striker once again hit back at his critics…
Jermaine Pedant says: I’m very disappointed in you, Jay. We went through this last week – in fact, even the denizens of Twitter were clearly falling over each other to correct you – but you appear not to have learned your lesson. Now write out one hundred times: “The critics will eat their words.”
Various
Finally, Jermaine has noticed an interesting spelling tic shared by at least three Premier League strikers. See if you can spot it…
Jermaine Pedant says: Trending may be a common phenomenon on Twitter, but this particular trend must be nipped in the bud. See me.
Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!