Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The St. Johnstone midfielder, formerly of Chelsea and Leeds United, was hobnobbing with Glentoran striker Leon Knight about something or other…
@LeonKnight82 your missing the point young jedi..I don’t see a brand from east london on the label of CRISTAL..
— jody morris (@morriskid) March 13, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says: Leon may be missing the point, my good man, but you’re missing an apostrophe. Just because you’re now plying your trade north of the border, it doesn’t mean you’re at liberty to brazenly pooh-pooh Her Majesty’s mother tongue. I’m all for independence, but she’s your queen too, and no there is no truth to reports of a rift between Tony Pulis and I.
The Arsenal youngster was keen not to appear overly eager…
never let her know i care to much ..
— Anthony Jeffrey(@AyJayy25) March 13, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says: In most other walks of life, you wouldn’t amount to much with such a flimsy grasp of simple homophones. I don’t want to be too hard on you, young Anthony, but too many more grammatical mishaps of this ilk will leave you looking about as credible as reports of my breaking a curfew before our 1-0 win at Goodison Park in December.
The Bolton Wanderers midfielder was busy expanding his mind with some top quality programming…
What come out Ricci’a mouth is a joke. #GeordieShore
— fabrice muamba (@fmuamba) March 13, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says: People in glass houses and all that, Fabrice. What comes out of this Ricci character’s mouth may or may not be a joke – and I must confess to having a mental image of him unravelling his tongue to reveal upon it a small slip of paper such as one might find in a Christmas cracker – but your use of language here is every bit as appalling as suggestions that I am anything but one hundred per cent committed to Stoke City at this moment in time.
The former Manchester City and Sunderland midfielder was glued to today’s Cheltenham Festival…
There’s nothing better then when the first race sets off at cheltnham and the raw of the crowd !!!
— Nick Summerbee (@Summerbee7) March 14, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says: I know I said I’d given up on you, Nick, but I simply could not let this one slide given your Mackem previous. Never heard of the famous old “Roker Roar“? This is sloppier than an ice cream in the desert, as your old flame Melanie Sykes should know all about.
The young Everton midfielder asked his followers to recommend some feature-length comedies…
Anyone know any funny film’s on iTune’s I can download? Day off, so watching films.
—Ross Barkley (@RBarkley20) March 7, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says: How about The Producers? Or Blazing Saddles? The Ladykillers? Hot Shots, even? Not an apostrophe amongst them, young Ross. Food for thought.
Everyone’s favourite pundit showed off his stylish attire to eminent cricketer Michael Vaughan…
— G.Neville (@GNev2) March 14, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says: I’ll say it again: there is no truth to the rumours that I’ve had a falling-out with Tony Pulis. Journalists can circulate their version of events all they want, but they’re wrong.
The Whitby Town captain, formerly of Hartlepool United, Stockport County, Hereford United and York City, attempted to crack wise about last night’s Merseyside derby…
Liverpool Vs Everton.The only time you will see 22 Employed Scousers on one field together.
— Mark Robinson (@robboma3) March 14, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says: Pepe Reina, Jose Enrique, Martin Skrtel, Jordan Henderson, Stewart Downing, Luis Suarez, Andy Carroll, Dirk Kuyt, Tim Howard, Phil Jagielka, Sylvain Distin, Seamus Coleman, Steven Pienaar, Marouane Fellaini, Denis Stracqualursi, Royston Drenthe and Nikica Jelavic. All of these players featured at some stage last night, yet not one of them is a Scouser.
Jamie Carragher and Steven Gerrard hail from Bootle and Whiston respectively, both of which are on Merseyside but don’t necessarily count as Liverpool, and therefore not truly ‘Scouse’; Martin Kelly is also from Whiston, while Jay Spearing was born across the Mersey on Birkenhead; Leighton Baines is from Kirkby, which many an Everton fan will be only too keen to tell you is outside city limits; Jack Rodwell and Leon Osman are from Southport and Wigan respectively, while Victor Anichebe may have grown up in Crosby but was born in Lagos, Nigeria.
As such, the only ‘proper’ Scouser to have played last night was Tony Hibbert. You’re out by some twenty-one employed Scousers, Mark, and thinking on there is no need for a capital E at the start of ’employed’. So, all in all, job well done.
See, even a scholar such as myself is not above the occasional concession to sarcasm. Chortle! Right, I best be off now; Tony Pulis wants me in his office in ten minutes. I smell a pay-rise.
Tune in each Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!