Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Tim Cahill

The Everton midfielder spent a pleasant Sunday with his loved ones…

Jermaine Pedant says: Sounds lovely, Tim, although I must confess to being more than a little perturbed by your “princess birthday”; will you be dressing up suitably for the occasion? If so, will you be modelling yourself on any one princess in particular? I have a mental image of you waltzing around a ballroom, resplendent in a pink bridal gown. I jest, of course. Be sure to collar me at the Britannia Stadium on April 14th and we’ll have a good chat about correct apostrophe usage.

Nathan Redmond

The young Birmingham City winger was keen to gauge opinion of a recently released computer game before parting with his hard-earned…

Jermaine Pedant says: Nathan, there really is no need to capitalise the first letter of every word in a sentence, unless of course it’s a title or heading (and even then there are other rules that one must abide by). If you’ve ever read a book, magazine or newspaper – any kind of editorial, really – then this should be abundantly clear to you. I concede that this might be a stylistic choice on your part, but as a professional footballer you are obliged to engage in proper grammatical etiquette whenever and wherever there’s a chance that impressionable youngsters might be reading, listening or even retweeting. Now don’t let this happen again.

Jazz Richards

The young Swansea City midfielder had gotten wind of an old Leap Day tradition…

Jermaine Pedant says: Young man, going by the name Jazz might score you brownie points amongst your peers, but it does not grant you any kind of license to take a free-form approach to homophones. The thing to remember about homophones is that they’re always there to keep people on their toes. I trust that my little mnemonic shall prove as useful to your written discourse as I imagine your unorthodox name must be to wooing the buxom young ladies of Abertawe.

Joey Barton

The Queens Park Rangers midfielder had a wholly legitimate gripe with the recent Brit Awards…

Jermaine Pedant says: While you are indeed correct to call such a grotesque nomination into question, I fail to see how the faecal matter of a barely-pubescent troupe of glorified karaoke singers would bring about your untimely demise at the hands of hormonal teenage girls. Ha! Ha! Please forgive my jocularity – it’s that Tweety Camera, his merriment is infectious – and do also take time to read my answer to young Jazz above. I’m sorry to keep singling you out, but your reputation as a bit of a renaissance man merits closer scrutiny than most.

Euan Holden

The Stockport County defender was sure to let his followers know what was soundtracking his day…

Jermaine Pedant says: You’re not. He is.

Holly Willoughby

The model and television personality had something to say about something or other…

Jermaine Pedant says: I’m not entirely sure why we’re following Holly on Twitter – something to do with Tweety, I imagine – but I couldn’t let this absolute gem slide; it is most certainly sic (sic)! Ha! Ha! There must be something in the air today, as I feel far more boisterous than my status as an unused substitute against Swansea should permit. You can’t keep a good man down, Pulis!

You can’t keep a good man down.

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!