Former Brazil midfielder Paulinho has been found alive and well, his club Tottenham Hotspur have confirmed.
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A £20m signing from Corinthians just two years ago, Paulinho was untraceable throughout the entirety of the 2014-15 season and saw his status demoted from “the Brazilian Frank Lampard” to “the Brazilian David Bentley”.
Despite fears that he may in fact be dead, Paulinho was found by Spurs staff lying in a hammock in his garden during a routine inventory on signings made with the Gareth Bale money.
Tottenham owner Daniel Levy was immediately notified, and he arrived at Paulinho’s residence to personally drag him by the ear all the way to China where he was forced to sign for Guangzhou Evergrande.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Levy waved around a cheque for £10m while exclaiming “I still got it!”.
He said: “I still got it!
“Where’s that Soldado? Find me Soldado and I’ll get £15m for him, I swear it.
“I’ll even throw in this chocolate teapot.”