When Antonio Valencia sexts you, it’s because he’s looking to initiate an extramarital dalliance via the medium of social media.
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Or so we all thought – it turns out he does it by accident as well.
Or so he claims – doubters have pointed to the fact that he’s covering his modesty with a sign reading “Hey Brooks” in one of the pictures he’s alleged to have sexted to Brooks Newmark.
Or so it seems – this does indeed appear to have been the case, as has the disgraced Tory MP’s lurid reciprocation incorporating a number of vegetables that are illegal in this country.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Newmark revealed that he and Valencia are to seek psychiatric help together in order that they not contravene the terms of their newly established “accountabilibuddy” agreement.
He said: “Being accountabilibuddies means we have to be in each other’s presence at all times lest either of us be tempted to start sexting again.
“It’s kind of a symbiotic relationship where we both have to intervene whenever the other expresses a desire to stick their iPhone down their trousers.
“Isn’t that right, Antonio?”
Turning the other way and speaking exclusively to someone else, Valencia remained philosophical.
He roared: “Well f*** my old boots – I thought he was DJ Numark.
“I was really excited there, I’m a big fan of Jurassic 5.”
The Antonio Valencia sexts are expected to go under the hammer in a charity auction at Sotheby’s.