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2022 World Cup to remain in summer but not be football

Results to be decided by less strenuous activities such as tiddlywinks and rock-paper-scissors.

By Jonny Abrams

Paper, set to feature prominently at the 2022 World Cup in Qatar
Paper… The key to England’s chances? (Image: Sertion)

Fifa president Sepp Blatter has confirmed that the 2022 World Cup in Qatar shall be held in the summer, but shall not be contested in the form of football matches.

The farce, ongoing, had threatened to be switched to the winter in order that the players wouldn’t all drop dead from dehydration within five minutes of every game, adding to the death toll that has already claimed the lives of hundreds of migrant workers charged with building the stadiums.

However, Blatter has reached agreement with a big suitcase full of cash that the World Cup shall go ahead in the summer as planned, with results to be decided by less strenuous activities such as tiddlywinks and rock-paper-scissors.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Blatter stressed that the planned building work will still go ahead irregardless of the lack of need for whacking great arenas in the absence of actual football.

He said: “Deals are in place, if you know what I’m saying, so we simply must press on with the construction of Qatar’s 2022 World Cup infrastructure.

“Sure, many more migrant workers will perish, but it’s okay – they’re only Nepalese, and therefore expendable.

“If that offends you then might I suggest a conciliatory handshake at the end of this interview?”

The international football community were unavailable for comment as they were busy rolling their eyes and saying things like “that crazy corrupt Fifa, what will they do next?”

In other news, Fifa have ordered some extra-large rugs for sweeping stuff under.