FOR SALE: Aston Villa’s Christian Benteke on eBay

Now YOU can buy Aston Villa's Christian Benteke on eBay, after the club's star striker was put up for sale in an auction site prank.

Aston Villa's Christian Benteke on eBay
Christian Benteke… Auctioned off

Now YOU can buy Christian Benteke on eBay, after the club’s star striker was put up for sale in an auction site prank by Aston Villa supporters’ group, My Old Man Said.

Generously described as “only slightly used”, there had been 64 offers for the want-away Belgian at time of writing, with the highest bid standing at £750,600.

Available with free postage and packaging, the Benteke auction is introduced with:

A great chance to buy the self-confessed Arsenal supporter Christian Benteke and add one of those fashionable Belgian players to your team.

Having to reluctantly sell Benteke, as looking to build a team of decent players who respect Aston Villa FC and its supporters.

There is a reserve price of £25 million, so you are advised to start your bidding at that amount. ***No time wasters please from Tottenham Hotspur***

While Christian Benteke is in perfect working order, there are slight blemishes, but they only add to his charm as the perfect example of a modern day Premier League footballer.

He’s liable to lie (the opening bid amount of 99p is how much his word is worth).
He’s more interested in money than your team’s supporters.
He also has a questionable temperament, which may be exposed when he has the burden of playing with a hefty price tag on his head and is forced to play in pointless Europa League matches.

With that in mind, we’ve reduced his price from the original asking price of £40 million for a quick sale.

* Be careful when trying to remove the ‘One Season Wonder’ sticker from Benteke’s forehead.

‘My Old Man Said’ Villa supporters can arrange delivery in their van, although we take no responsibility for the condition you’ll find Christian Benteke in on arrival.

N.B. Buying on Ebay is the only way you’ll avoid paying agent fees to Eris Kismet. Instead, we will use the extra couple of million or so, that would have been agent fees, to subsidise away travel and tickets for Aston Villa fans for the upcoming 2013/14 season.

The page also features a handy “Christian Benteke description”:

Full name: Christian Benteke Liolo Judas
Date of Birth: 3 December 1990 (age 22)
Born: Zaire
Language: French, English (but doesn’t understand cockney)
Height: 6 ft 3
Position: Striker
Favourite thing: Money
Dream: To play for Arsenal FC

For more details on Christian Benteke, please check: http://www.myoldmansaid.com

Plus, we’re treated to an extensive question and answer session with other eBay users:

if I buy him. Will he stay with me or sod off after 12 months

As we’ve stated before, he comes with a nine-month guarantee, which will get you through the next season. After that? Who knows? If Belgium wins the World Cup, your chances of keeping him might be slim, as Barcelona will surely beckon.

Hi, If Mr Levy goes ahead with his purchase can you guarantee the slightly used player will be able to function without a Bale in the team.

One thing I forgot to mention in the description is Benteke is tried and tested in the ‘carrying a team on his own shoulders’ department. In terms of stats, I think he even pipped Bale in being the best one-man team last season. So, he should function quite well if Mr Levy loses Bale. If both Benteke and Bale are in the team, we may get to see if the saying, ‘Two heads are better than one’ is actually true.

Does he come with a pram to throw his toys out of when he can’t go out to play with new friends?

We would supply a free pram,but we’re struggling to find one big enough. An idea might be to put some wheels on a skip.

Hi would he be up to sitting on a bench for most of next season, UTV

If you pay him enough, I think he’ll do whatever you want. I know don’t how serious he is about wanting to play for Belgium in the World Cup.

If you don’t sell , will you be making him train with the youth team? and therefore screwing up his World Cup squad Place (Please)

Yes, that’s the plan, although we haven’t decided whether he’ll be training with the Youth or Ladies team yet. Romelu Lukaku has even offered to pay Benteke’s wages to make sure this happens, so then he’ll be picked for the World Cup. As Lukaku says, at least he was actually born in Belgium.

Is this really for Benteke, or is it just one of those cheap, imported Heskey knock offs?

We understand your concern about the imported Heskey knock-offs that have been offered up recently from Australia, but no, it’s the real Benteke. His ‘Judas’ tattoo stamp is proof of his authenticity.

Hi, Having Played for Ghenk and Aston Villa for such a short time, if i signed him for my local team, The Red Lion Rovers, do you think he would kiss the badge when he scored a goal?

To guarantee the item kissing the badge after scoring, you’d probably have to pay it an extra £10,000-a-week. If you want the ‘giving a love heart sign to the fans’ performance after a goal is scored, that’s an extra £15,000-a-week.

Does the item come with a rope so it can be tied to the radiator at the end of next season? If so could it be quite a strong one so it won’t be able to chew its way through?

Damn, I wish we thought of tying the item with a rope to the radiator at the end of last season. It would have saved us this ebay hassle. There may be an additional cost, but we will look into this for you. I’m thinking a steel fibre cable should do the trick. Alternately, you could store your item at the end of the season in a bank vault for safe keeping. The item likes to be around money, so it would be very happy there.

Hi there, Do you offer cash on collection? I would ask to meet you at Loftus Road but warn you that you may be rejected and if so will then make a fool of yourself on your return journey. Thanks I look forward to doing business with you

Funny you mention this, as we did actually consider putting a blindfolded Benteke in a potato sack and driving down to Loftus Road and just dumping him in the car park. What worried us was he might still find his way back to Villa Park. Somebody suggested breaking his legs to slow down his return back to B6, but that was a bit harsh. We decided on humanitarian grounds, that selling him on ebay was the way to go, with cash upfront before delivery.

Is there a buy now for Benteke?

Ebay would not facilitate a ‘Buy Now’ button for £25 million. Personally, I think all football transfers should be done on ebay, so they should sort out ‘Buy Now’ options for large amounts of cash.

Does the buyer get a 20% off if they take Stephen Ireland for nothing as well ?

While the ebay rules prohibit deals on the side, that is one we are willing to entertain.

Let me know when the auction ends and I will be there . Cheers


Do you think the item will be cheaper when it has spent a season in the reserves and thus missing the next world cup?

If you’re prepared to wait that long, I think he’d be remarkably cheaper. I’m guessing no one would pay over £5 or 6 million for him (see Darren Bent for example). Another bonus would be you’d be able to keep his wages right down. It might actually be worth the wait.

Have you ever eaten human flesh? Im having a party tonight and i was hoping that you could provide the sustinance

If we could get away with this, we’d be up for trying it…and it would save us the hassle of what to do with Benteke, if no one meets the reserve price.

is the package trustworthy and reliable? does he have a middle name like JUDAS? does the package expect to be paid more than the national average pay structure. Vtid

There’s a nine-month guarantee, which should get you through a season. After that, it’s in the lap of the gods. Yes, he does have a ‘Judas’ tattoo. I think there are operations to have it removed, but you may have to pay Benteke even more to make him consider that.

Is this the same Benteke who allegedly told his boss twice he was stayinng for next season ? The one whose forgotten who brought him to the Premiership ?

Yes, the very same one. This is partly why we’ve reduced his asking price from £40 million to £25 million.

Would you take an insulting offer and 3 or 4 past their prime, overpaid castoffs that I no longer want in my squad? – regards Daniel Levy

Danny Boy, after the ‘Jenas Incident’ a couple of years ago (lets no even mention the ‘Hutton Affair’) forgive us for our zero tolerance approach to this matter. The answer is NO. We would like to offer you some advice in how to get rid of your overpaid castoffs, but as you can see with the likes of Ireland, Bent, Given and Hutton, we have absolutely no idea.

do you accept Tesco clubcard points?

We’re looking into doing something with Tesco clubcard points after Spurs chairman Mr Levy asked us if he could pay £20 million + Tesco clubcard points to make up the reserve. Will keep you posted.

Will you combine postage for Hutton and Ireland too?

As well as paying postage for Hutton & Ireland, we’ll also pay for you to go on holiday to a destination of your choice, as a thank you for taking those players off our hands.

does the said above item come with interchangeable shirts to match almost every premier league team he could play for ? also does the item have 2 gingers or 3 on each hand like Homer J Simpson does the item come with pre-bagged spit so the spurs fans can sell on ebay later UTV

He comes with the shirt of your choice,but Benteke Judas shirt expansion packs are available to make sure your Benteke doesn’t go out of date next season.

Was worth a try … I will help you deliver him

Your help will be most welcome. We need someone to help hold him down while we blindfold him and throw him in the van for delivering.

Nice …. Ha ha love you eBay add . Brilliant

Thank you. But flattery will not get you a reduction in the price of our Only Slightly Used Christian Benteke. UTV

Hello, I am concerned that your item, Christian Benteke, may have back problems from carrying the entire Aston Villa team for the majority of last season. As Benteke looks like he may become faulty at any moment I was wondering if you would consider a trade for a player who also looks susceptible to spinal injuries. The player in question is no other than, Emmanuel Adebayor whose 5 league goals were hugely important in Tottenham’s season. Without his work-rate and clinical finishing spurs would have been caught in a relegation battle but being such an influence has taken a toll on poor Manu’s back and he is sadly past his best. Therefore I would like to propose a straight swap deal. You have 24 hours to respond, otherwise Adebayor will be sold to Barcelona. AVB

I remember a tube full of Chelsea fans singing nasty songs about young Emmanuel Adebayor, on the way to see Villa play Chelsea in an FA Cup semi a few years ago. Considering the importance of his five goals rescuing Spurs last season, we are willing to consider a straight swap, but only if we can also swap you Kylie Walker (we taught him everything he knows) with Alan Hutton.

Will you take thirty pieces of silver for him?

Only if they are shaped in the form of bullets, so we can use them to shoot any players that think about leaving the club again. Like John Gregory should have done with Dwlight Yorke.

Hiya, is it possible to view the item? I’m in the Bodymore Heath area around 10am tomorrow if that’s convenient? Wooster0121

Certainly 10am is fine. Bring a cattle prod with you, just in case Benteke refuses to train. If he doesn’t turn up, we’ll knock £20,000 off the final ebay price, if you’re the highest bidder (as that’ll be fined out of his wages).

Couple of questions, 1, does he come with a no strike g’tee? and.. 2, do you have a action figure ready with a v sign to his fans at previous clubs? Especially looking over his shoulder as he leave for ANOTHER club? Thanks abd best wishes from another Villa supporter. VTID!!! Aren

1. No, but we will include a free cattle prod to help get him to train. 2. I think www.myoldmansaid.com are signing a contract with Hasbro to bring out a whole range of Benteke action figures. We know they’ll be actions figures of: Benteke counting his cash, Benteke and his agent in a jacuzzi drinking champagne, Benteke mooning the Holte End and Benteke giving Lambert the finger. UTV

Oh by the way you do know your eBay fees at the moment would be £500 be sure to end this at least 24 hours before it ends ( sorry to be boring but would hate to see you done by eBay) UTV SOTC

Thank you for your concern,but we are hoping to make so much money from the sale of Benteke that we will buy Ebay and then sponsor Aston Villa, when Daftbet’s contract runs out.

Would you insider a packet of fruit pastels with 2 missing?

It’s a tempting offer, but ebay have warned us about doing deals on the side. We’ll swap you Alan Hutton for half a packet of fruit pastels though. We haven’t bothered listing him, as we didn’t think there would be any interest.

I would like him in a Tottenham shirt please because I like the colours but I support arsenal because that’s in Birmingham ! I think ?!?!

I’m not too sure Benteke knows where Tottenham is. Don’t worry, he won’t get to see Seven Sisters Road and surrounding areas on route, to put him off, as when we deliver him, he will be blindfolded in the back of a van.

Hi do you do this in the Home kit version please ad will it stay for more than 1 season. Does the item have any holes or blemishes.

See description for blemishes etc and other answers for lasting over one season. We can supply Benteke in any club shirt you wish, as he doesn’t care which one he wears as long as the money is good.

Hi Does the Christian Benteke come with a spare dummy, only i understand he is prone to spitting them out.

We will include a couple of dummies for you at no extra cost. Thanks for rising that point.

Credit: My Old Man Said