Real Madrid star Cristiano Ronaldo refused to celebrate either of his goals in the 3-0 La Liga win over Granada, saying afterwards…

I’m sad – when I don’t celebrate goals it’s because I’m not happy. It’s a professional thing. Real Madrid know why I’m not happy.

Football Burp has been speculating as to the reason for the Portugal forward’s professed sadness and we’ve come to the conclusion that it can’t possibly have anything to do with money, as that would make Ronaldo’s actions and subsequent words crass and insensitive beyond belief. As such, here are five possible scenarios that would in our mind justify this very public sulk…

Team mates picking on him for being high maintenance

It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that once Ronaldo’s Real Madrid team mates became numb to his constant match-winning performances they found it harder and harder to ignore what a preening peacock he is. The half-time hairstyle changes, that ridiculous posture he adopts for free-kicks: perhaps it all got to be too much for the Real squad, who resorted to mocking him mercilessly, possibly by pinning him down and forcing him to drink his own haircare products, or impersonating him relentlessly on the training field. We’re not sure what the Spanish is for “this is you, this is – duuuurrr duuuhhh nnnnn duuurrr!” but that’s probably what they’d be saying.

Spurned romantically

We’re not alleging that Ronaldo has any desire to leave his model girlfriend Irina Shayk – this is purely idle speculation – but could Ronaldo’s sadness owe itself to a broken heart? A saucy secretary, a senior official’s daughter, perhaps even another team mate’s WAG? Or even a team mate full stop? We’re not saying Ronaldo’s gay, but his skin does look to be in very good condition, and those half-time hairstyle changes would doubtless accompany a costume change if only he was allowed.

Luka Modric is his arch enemy

In 2009, when both Ronaldo and Modric were in the Premier League with Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur respectively, the Croatian publicly criticised the Portuguese for his on-pitch theatrics. “He overdoes the theatre,” said Modric. “In England whining stands out, it does no good.” It might just be the case that Ronaldo remembers these comments and bears a grudge which boiled over upon the Croatian midfielder’s recent arrival at the Bernabeu, much to the bemusement of the rest of the squad we’d imagine. Or maybe Modric spurned him romantically, we don’t know.

Jose Mourinho bullies him when no-one else is looking

A variation on the first scenario. Now we’re not suggesting for one moment that one of the world’s finest managers is definitely secretly taunting his fellow countryman and most prized playing asset, but we cannot discount the possibility that Mourinho glares at Ronaldo and makes neck-slitting gestures when everyone else’s backs are turned, or that he jabs his thigh with a fork under the table when they’re sitting at the club canteen. Maybe he emails him pictures of various roadkill followed by the words “YOU’RE NEXT” (or “você está próximo” in Portuguese). Such targeted mistreatment would undoubtedly demoralise the majority of footballers.

He just wants to be a dancer

Dance, Cristiano, dance!