West Ham set sights on time machine after signing Evra, Hart and Zabaleta

"They'd be £50m players if we could get them all five years younger," says Moyes.

Patrice Evra is set to join West Ham United
ELDERLY: Evra (Image: Станислав Ведмидь/Stanislav Vedmid’/Stanisław Wiedmid’)

West Ham United are on the lookout for a time machine after adding Patrice Evra to a defensive unit already including Pablo Zabaleta and Joe Hart.

Evra joined the Hammers citing the need for a new challenge – specifically the challenge of kung fu kicking one of his own supporters across an olympic running track.

The signing of the Senegal-born left-back comes just four days after West Ham sacked head of recruitment Tony Henry for suggesting they should steer clear of African players.

And David Moyes now hopes to upgrade his back line still further with the addition of a time machine.

He said: “Don’t forget we’ve got James Collins and José Fonte as well – I think they’re both older than me, and I’m like fifty.

“When I took over at Everton in 2002 there had already been significant advancements made in sports science and whatnot. It’s 2018 now, so there’s got to be a time machine out there somewhere.

“I’d happily throw all of my remaining transfer eggs into one time machine shaped basket, because Patrice, Pablo and Joe would be £50m players if we could get them all five years younger.

“And if any renegade scientists can clone me some injury-proof versions of Marko Arnautović and Manuel Lanzini, that would be cracking.”