Football Burp has managed to track down missing Newcastle United protagonist Joe Kinnear – he’s in Arsène Wenger’s garden, trying to uproot a hefty water feature from its lodgings.

The director of football, mercurial, had been uncontactable ever since declaring publicly that he would sign “all the players in the world, yes, all of them” on Alan Pardew’s behalf by the close of the transfer window.

We can now confirm that he is standing in the Arsenal manager’s back yard, exercising his joints and mentally calculating the best angles from which to approach the water feature to ensure optimum purchase.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Joe Kinnear told us to stand well back in order to avoid being caught up in any tectonic disruption caused by his feat of strength.

He said: “Watch this, it’s going to blow your ****ing mind.

“If I just grab each end like so and bend at the knees, this water feature should lift right out.

“Stand well back though, I’m ****ing warning you.

“Okay, here goes…nnnggghhh…hhhnnnggghhh…gnnnnaaaaarrrrrr!”

There was an audible crack.

Joe Kinnear continued: “Let me ring Jose Mourinho – he always knows how to psych me up when it comes to these things.

“Hmm, 72 missed calls from talkSPORT. They’ll be wanting the exclusive rights to this, I’ll wager.

“Do us a favour will you mate, knock on Arsène’s door and ask him if he’s got any cycling shorts I can borrow.

“It’s fine, just tell him they’re for Joe Kinnear. He’ll know who you mean.”

Arsene Wenger was unavailable for comment as he was too busy calling the police from his bedroom window.

“Arsène!” called out Joe Kinnear, waving cheerfully. “Congratulations on signing Muzzy Ozzle!”

He added: “Nasty business that Polski getting injured, though.”