Title race over, everyone goes home

If the title race was a place, it would look a bit like this (Img: Jez Arnold)

The Premier League title race has reached its conclusion and everyone may now go home, it has been confirmed.

That there race, decidedly over, was won by Manchester United after a 2-0 win over Everton at Old Trafford stretched their lead over 2nd placed Manchester City to 12 points, Roberto Mancini’s men having been giving a bit of a going over by whatsisname’s Southampton side – 3-1, to be precise.

Although there are twelve matches still to play, it’s already become abundantly obvious that no-one is good enough to stop the Red Devils claiming yet another shiny trophy, and that we might as well all just go home and watch Top Gear or something.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, no-one said anything because everyone had left.

No-one said: “……*chirping cricket noises*……

“……..*car drives past outside*………

“……..*sound of leaves being swept to the side of the pavement*……..”

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Sir Alex Ferguson was non-committal about his team’s chances of becoming champions.

He said: “Heeeeyyyy. How’re you doing?

“Good, good. What am I up to? Eh, nummuch, just in the tub. Just thought I’d give you a call and see how you’re doing, not heard from you in a while.

“What? A crackling sound? Sorry, might be me twiddling the wire with my finger. I’m luxuriating in eucalyptus. Pardon? Yes, I have an old-fashioned land line in my bathroom. So?

“It’s not stupid at all, it was here when we moved in and I use it all the time, so why get rid of it? Excuse me? Yes, I do sometimes conduct transfer deals while I’m bathing, what of it? Why are you laughing?”

He added: “Why do you always do this? I call out of the blue for a bit of a catch-up, and you just ask me pointless questions and take the mickey out of everything I say.

“Is that meant to be an impression of me? It doesn’t sound anything like me. Stop it. I said stop it.

“Seriously, stop it.”

Roberto Mancini was not available for comment as he was busy “washing his hair”.