Football Burp understands that Kia Joorabchian has travelled to Carlos Tevez’s kitchen in order to hold crunch talks with the want-away Manchester City star’s wife.

The Argentine, an Aquarius, was outspoken with his dissatisfaction after she had tried to integrate muesli into his daily breakfast routine, insisting that a live chicken in a cage would do him just fine thank you very much, and maybe a bone to chew on afterwards.

However, Mrs Tevez, supposedly un-frightened by her husband, will now enter discussions with Joorabchian in order to thrash out a deal that would see the player earn untold sums of money from natural foods giants Alpen on the condition that he agree to do something that he has of late been refusing to do, like a bellend.

Tevez growled: “As long as Alpen stick to their promise of paying me one million euros a week, I will grudgingly force their repellent nuttiness down my fanged gob and pretend that it’s the sinewy carrion of a freshly slaughtered antelope.”

He added: “Seriously though, I’ll start being a complete **** again in around eighteen months’ time.”