Spurs move to keep Gareth Bale by offering to sell everyone else

Spurs star Gareth Bale
Bale poses with some fans

Tottenham Hotspur are set to offer Gareth Bale a bumper new contract funded by the sale of every single one of his teammates, it has been mooted.

Bale, a Cancer, astrologically as opposed to ‘on society’, scored a brace of free-kicks in last night’s 2-1 Europa League win over Lyon at White Hart Lane, meaning he has now scored every one of Spurs’s last six goals in all competitions.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a man who would identify himself only as “AVB” declared himself now satisfied that the way forwards for the north London giants is not to sell Bale to Real Madrid and rebuild, but to sell everyone else and give their salaries to the flying Welshman, making him by some distance the most remunerated footballer in history.

He said: “That’s ninety-odd million pounds a year the lad stands to make, but I believe he is absolutely worth it.

“He can dive and he can bang in free-kicks from anywhere on the pitch, so why would we need anyone else? Furthermore, only having one player on the books should prove a significant cost-cutter in terms of transport, accommodation and catering, so it’s win-win as far as I can see.

“We haven’t sat down and spoken about it yet but I have no doubt that this idea will appeal to Gareth’s burgeoning ego and perception of the world as revolving purely around him.

“He’s the Welshest diva since Shirley Bassey, and I’m determined to make this work in our favour.”

Speaking exclusively to someone else, Clint Dempsey, Younès Kaboul, Jan Vertonghen, Tom Huddlestone, Aaron Lennon, Scott Parker, Emmanuel Adebayor, William Gallas, David Bentley (really, still??), Kyle Naughton, Jermain Defoe, Mousa Dembélé, Michael Dawson, Gylfi Sigurðsson, Lewis Holtby, Brad Friedel, Hugo Lloris, Kyle Walker, Jake Livermore, Sandro, Benoît Assou-Ekotto and Steven Caulker said they were hopeful of a lucrative offer from Queens Park Rangers.

They chorused: “This shall be known henceforth as ‘Odemwinging it’.”